the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
