I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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