I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
