I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
