today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
