he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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