I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
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