I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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