Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
