You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
