That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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