I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
