i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
