my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
