btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
