You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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