dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Still dying that you shit outside
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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