That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
