It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
