babies were throwing up all over the place
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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