Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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