You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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