The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
