hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
