My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
