my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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