I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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