Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I need water and some morals
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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