if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
