mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
