she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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