Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
