Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize