i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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