She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
