I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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