So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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