only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Randomize
