He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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