Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Randomize
