We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
