he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
