Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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