I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
