you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
