we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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