I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
