her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
