on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
