No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
