I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
