we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
