I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
