Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
