I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
