he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
