I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
