walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
