don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
