Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
