Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
