If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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