I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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